Are most people still scared of their parents at 24? I don't mean scared of them in the way I'm scared of that weird little dwarf at the end of Don't Look Now. My parents don't haunt my nightmares. I mean, do people - whether they're 24, 34 or 44 - always worry about not living up to their parents' expectations?
To cut to the chase - I am referring to something that has been plaguing my mind for the last few years. What are my parents going to say when I bring home a white boy and declare, "Mum. Dad. This is the man I love and this is the man I'm going to marry. I know he's not brown, but he's a keeper. Honestly, he is."
I know that inter-racial relationships/marriages are on the up and I know that society is big on this whole multiculturalism thing; but that is not going to stop my mum and dad from going ape shit. And I know they're not the only set of parents who would react this way if their daughter brought home a man who didn't quite fit the bill.
Is 'tradition' really that important? Will it really shake up their world that much if I go against it? Or will they come around? Why do I have to get them to 'come around' in the first place? Surely their daughter's happiness is the main factor here?
The predicament I am in - having a serious long-term relationship with a white man and lying to my parents about it, even though I'm 24 - isn't unusual. I have known many Asian men and women who, like me, have had relationships with non-Asians and didn't tell their parents. And when they do tell, it's because they're only a few steps away from considering marriage. No point in causing drama unless a wedding is on the cards, which I think is fair play.
Why do we do it? Well, because we don't want to hurt our folks. But it's your life - you can do what you want, surely? This is where the real answers lie.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He is a ginger Liverpudlian (I know I'm not selling him well just yet but read on) without the accent and with a big heart. He's fiercely intelligent, self-deprecatingly funny, sweet but not in a sickly way, handsome with a warm smile and a damn good cook with an athletic body. (I am aware that these views are my own) All sounds quite good, doesn't it? So why wouldn't my parents like him?
These are the questions that many of my friends have asked me, the statement always being, "It's your life, you should be able to do what you want. Just tell them." Some people don't appreciate how something like this could shock my parents. The first thing to consider is that my parents are immigrants who moved from Bangladesh to London in 1980. Although they have integrated with wider society, they also held onto their roots. This makes sense when you're far away from home and in an alien environment - you want to preserve your cultural values and traditions. And one way of doing that is by engaging with a community whose members have a similar background to your own. In my parents' case, they came to know many Bangladeshis living in Northwest London. When you feel so secure in a community where everyone shares your values and beliefs, surely letting an outsider in would ruin the equilibrium? All these years, my parents have pictured me settling down with a well-to-do Bengali Muslim man, who possesses the same cultural values as they do. If I decided to have children with this man, they wouldn't be confused about their identity, their religion, their heritage. If we stick to our own kind, we won't have to compromise anything. That's the advantage.
But what if the advantage is so entrenched in one's mind that there is no other option? This is what has happened to my parents. So I think, anyway. My mum has said to me before, "Your brother is so lucky to have found a Bengali Muslim girl. It'll be your sister next. Then you, after you've finished your master's. You'll be married to a nice Bengali Muslim man." This is literally what she says. Not even, "You'll be married to a nice man." The nice man has to have a particular religion and a particular ethnicity. All I can do is smile and nod...and then feel a little bit of dread inside as I know that the exact opposite will happen in the future.
This is the real reason why I can't exactly do what I want, in terms of a relationship. My parents have specific expectations. Expectations they have explicitly made known to me for a number of years. It's like your folks drumming into you for years that you have to be a doctor when you're older and then you decide to be a chef...except it doesn't rock the proverbial gene pool boat or hugely challenge perceived cultural norms. They have a clear picture in their minds of what the future's going to look like - their future's brown, while my one is ginger. Marriage isn't just two people coming together in their eyes, it's two families. So how can two families get on when they're culturally different? This is the other so-called disadvantage: my mum can't exactly phone his mum to discuss the latest sari trends.
What happens if I do bring my boyfriend home to my folks and declare that I want to get married? I honestly don't know. I know that I will definitely have an uphill battle to face. But I also know that at some point, they will come around once they see how good a man he is and how in love I am. I don't actually have any evidence for this, but I think it's dangerous to underestimate your parents. I don't want you thinking that as soon as they find out, they'll disown me (at least I hope not anyway). But I know, for sure, that it's going to shock them and that they'll need time to understand it.
Although I am 24 years old, I do still have to lie to them about where I'm going and who I'm seeing whenever I plan to do something with my boyfriend. It is almost like leading a double life. But at the moment it is necessary because if they knew the truth, it would upset them. I have explained to my beloved ginger man that my parents' feelings are not personal, it is just the way they view relationships. I am not ready to disrupt that order just yet. But when I do, it will only be at a time when I know that it'll be worth it. Fortunately, I am lucky enough to be with someone who has done his best to understand my predicament. Even if he is a ginger scouse lad.
No comments:
Post a Comment